This evening is a night to look in the windows of houses, but with such an expression that the occupants don’t feel that your really “looking.” The time I spent this evening, looking at houses does not fall into this activity, the sun still up, it was not really the time for looking into windows… instead… I enjoyed the dead winter vines, the miraculously green lawns, the stone arches and carved mailboxes on the upper ridge.
And, instead, I thought about “Goals.” A theme brought to my attention when a friend asked me, “Why do you want to blog?” I thought about where I wanted to be and who I want to be in five years, two years, and next summer. Myself Today: often saddened and often tearing up. Today: often underestimating what I have accomplished and not believing I can accomplish, because, like so many, there have been years of depression. Within those years, a diminishing self-esteem gave way to an ongoing fight for survival.
Survival. Fighting for survival means meeting all of my basic needs. I need to eat, I need to breathe. I need water, a roof over my head. To survive, I need to force myself to go to work everyday.
Living. Once I had finally learned how to survive, I could start focusing on living. Living. I could perhaps enjoy my job, I could feel good that I was once again meeting the work ethic expectations that are a part of me. I could certainly enjoy new music and a new sport. I could live by pulling off at the exit I have wanted to stop at over 500 times and get out of the damn car, set my camera up for “Landscape,” and take pictures of the misty spring storm covering the desert mountains. Yes. Life. This is what I want.
Goals for Tomorrow, for Today, as it were… a different Today than before my walk: To have good karma by being the person I am sensitive enough to be. To do my best. To read all the recommended reading material that I want to read. To feel like I want to be happy, awesome and the best. That I can live up to the potential that others have seen in me and that I have been completely blind to, accept it, embrace it…. and turn it and care for it and nurse the dreams… So that when a friend says “You really know how to dream.” I can think… “Yes, and I know now that I can Live for the dream.”