I am strung, having been introduced, finally, as an adult to my (lost) biological father’s family. He died, young, heart attack. At my current distance from them, I don’t know anything about the future… I think about the past, and I really don’t know anything about that either. I see everyone’s struggle. I see guilt, I feel guilt.
I walked into his house and it was such as I could never imagined. Four days have passed, and I am still wishing I will not ever dream about it. I might wish that I had never gone in, but I know I would be wishing I had gone in if I had not. That is the way it works. Today, I understand that he could never have been there. He could have not been the father, he was unwell. I understand the disconnection, I understand the inability to “cope.”
I will always be afraid to live in a world where the sun does not shine. The dreams I had in the past about the end of the world, about nuclear fall- out, they were genuine nightmares.
Arizona, the sun. The high and ever expansive sky. This is home. But, I also found a piece of home in the mid-west… on the Vitamin D – Belt. I saw eyes that look just like my eyes– my uncle’s eyes. I saw and felt the genes… the origin… the roots. I looked at my father’s purple face and saw where my sister and I got our chin and the shape of our eyes.
I have always known my mother’s family. I have always had the family of my step-father, he is “dad,” and I am grateful. I have always wondered over the mystery of my Slovakian heritage. It is tragic the way in which he passed. Sad that the reunion was circled with this tragic circumstance. I do not know where my heart can take me next. Today, I look for the answers. I keep looking.
May 19, 2011 at 6:33 pm
Heart tugs. Big sigh. Guilt. Not being able to help a beloved cope. Guilt. Not knowing his biological children. Moments pass and a fleeting memory whispers into my ear.
Luka doggie lies nearby. He once stood sentry to Thomas’es house. He watches the Florida squirrels and sand cranes from his post. He waits for his master. Perhaps he will meet him again. Nuns told me animals do NOT reside in heaven. At nearly sixty years of age, I still hope they do.
God Bless. LYMI~T
May 6, 2012 at 12:56 am
Hi Aunt T, hope you are well, this is a sad post and often I don’t share so very raw here. I hope you understand how my bravery today can flex and that i am surprised i was so open, hoping i was not too forward. I think of your mother often always wishing peace for her, and peace for Tom and your father. Much love, b