I am strung, having been introduced, finally, as an adult to my (lost) biological father’s family. He died, young, heart attack. At my current distance from them, I don’t know anything about the future… I think about the past, and I really don’t know anything about that either. I see everyone’s struggle. I see guilt, I feel guilt.
I walked into his house and it was such as I could never imagined. Four days have passed, and I am still wishing I will not ever dream about it. I might wish that I had never gone in, but I know I would be wishing I had gone in if I had not. That is the way it works. Today, I understand that he could never have been there. He could have not been the father, he was unwell. I understand the disconnection, I understand the inability to “cope.”
I will always be afraid to live in a world where the sun does not shine. The dreams I had in the past about the end of the world, about nuclear fall- out, they were genuine nightmares.
Arizona, the sun. The high and ever expansive sky. This is home. But, I also found a piece of home in the mid-west… on the Vitamin D – Belt. I saw eyes that look just like my eyes– my uncle’s eyes. I saw and felt the genes… the origin… the roots. I looked at my father’s purple face and saw where my sister and I got our chin and the shape of our eyes.
I have always known my mother’s family. I have always had the family of my step-father, he is “dad,” and I am grateful. I have always wondered over the mystery of my Slovakian heritage. It is tragic the way in which he passed. Sad that the reunion was circled with this tragic circumstance. I do not know where my heart can take me next. Today, I look for the answers. I keep looking.